It was a very simple question, a few months ago..and I thought I had a quick and easy answer..but, now I must retract my answer.
The question was, if I was given a pill that would change Evan's behavior, only his autistic like tendencies, and make him a typical child..would I?
I said yes..instantaneously!!
And now, after tossing it around a few months, I must confess it would have to be a no.
Evan has been doing so well now, it's been like a weight has slowly been lifted over the past year. And, we have our routine, so life has been kind to us..sweet lately if you must know.
So, add the combination of November and thinking of what we are thankful for. Oh you know everyone on Facebook is writing one thing a day to be thankful for...gets me thinking.
I can't be more grateful for Evan.
Yes, Olivia and Scott, too..and for their own reasons, but Evan..this first born child of mine, has changed me and taught me more in four and a half years, than in all the rest.
For the life of me, I don't know why he has autism. He came out with a different way of seeing the world. From the very first night at the hospital..him and I didn't see eye to eye.
You must know that for the entire almost nine months of pregnancy I prayed he would be different..a leader, someone who didn't follow the crowds, a person of character and strength. I had everyone pray that he would be healthy. And at 8lbs. 10oun. He was healthy alright!!
It was really me that needed to learn a thing or two about a thing or two...!
Gosh, it's been a difficult, intense, and tearful few years.
I've been to the far edge of my faith. I've questioned everything I know about God, to God. And, I am so thankful for his patience with me.
And for delivering my child to me, whether it be with autism or allowing it to be part of Evan. I cannot answer these questions.
I have been in such a rut, trying to figure out motherhood, life, and all the things that spin at you..plus deal with the anger and frustrations of "why me", "why my chid"...I didn't stop to look at the change made in me.
With bringing out the worst in me, I saw me..the part of me I didn't like..nor did I want to admit I had.
And I had to change.
I fought it with all my might..but, now I see what a beautiful and sweet thing has become of me. Ironically, with a small child with autism and an awesome God...!
Trust me..I got plenty of more to do..but I've made progress..and that should be worth celebrating!! This girl finally gets it!!
Funny, I have never trusted God this much before..in my life.
So, my answer..my final answer to the question..is no...!
The question was, if I was given a pill that would change Evan's behavior, only his autistic like tendencies, and make him a typical child..would I?
I said yes..instantaneously!!
And now, after tossing it around a few months, I must confess it would have to be a no.
Evan has been doing so well now, it's been like a weight has slowly been lifted over the past year. And, we have our routine, so life has been kind to us..sweet lately if you must know.
So, add the combination of November and thinking of what we are thankful for. Oh you know everyone on Facebook is writing one thing a day to be thankful for...gets me thinking.
I can't be more grateful for Evan.
Yes, Olivia and Scott, too..and for their own reasons, but Evan..this first born child of mine, has changed me and taught me more in four and a half years, than in all the rest.
For the life of me, I don't know why he has autism. He came out with a different way of seeing the world. From the very first night at the hospital..him and I didn't see eye to eye.
You must know that for the entire almost nine months of pregnancy I prayed he would be different..a leader, someone who didn't follow the crowds, a person of character and strength. I had everyone pray that he would be healthy. And at 8lbs. 10oun. He was healthy alright!!
It was really me that needed to learn a thing or two about a thing or two...!
Gosh, it's been a difficult, intense, and tearful few years.
I've been to the far edge of my faith. I've questioned everything I know about God, to God. And, I am so thankful for his patience with me.
And for delivering my child to me, whether it be with autism or allowing it to be part of Evan. I cannot answer these questions.
I have been in such a rut, trying to figure out motherhood, life, and all the things that spin at you..plus deal with the anger and frustrations of "why me", "why my chid"...I didn't stop to look at the change made in me.
With bringing out the worst in me, I saw me..the part of me I didn't like..nor did I want to admit I had.
And I had to change.
I fought it with all my might..but, now I see what a beautiful and sweet thing has become of me. Ironically, with a small child with autism and an awesome God...!
Trust me..I got plenty of more to do..but I've made progress..and that should be worth celebrating!! This girl finally gets it!!
Funny, I have never trusted God this much before..in my life.
So, my answer..my final answer to the question..is no...!
This may be your best blog entry yet. I've loved them all, but this one, so far is my favorite. I love how you pour out your heart on here, and I enjoy seeing what God is doing in your life through Evan. I so remember those first 24 hours with Evan, actually those first few weeks/months, when he just wasn't so sure about this world he had been delivered into! I have got to get to Colorado and see this boy that I have known from the moment he has born. Praying for you always.
ReplyDeleteAnd he is exactly how God wanted him to be and he is perfect. :) I was just watching a documentary on kids who take drugs to counteract their disability and it was awful - very exaggerated I am sure - but it was amazing how the parents would put them on something only to cause a side effect that would necessitate another pill, and then that one would do the same thing and so on until this kid would be on like 9 meds. Anyway, I know you are choosing the hard road but in the long run it will be so worth it, Rachel has recently struggled with the same decision for Sam and has come to the same conclusion so I am SO proud of both of you!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies...I appreciate both of you and your compassionate responses. In a tiny way, it's like putting bandages on an open wound of mine. I can't explain it any better than that..so, thank you..means a lot!! ;-)
ReplyDeleteWow, your faith in God strengthens me every time I read your blog...thank you for sharing!
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