I had a friend post an intriguing question on facebook several months back. Of course, I dared not comment..I think I wondered the same thing at the time..and since.
The post went something like, "why should I pretend to be happy when I don't feel it..wouldn't that just be a lie..?"
I don't know what other people's responses were..but the question still remains with me. (And don't worry, I won't even try to answer that question..not that I have a habit of giving out advice in the first place..!)
A couple of days ago, I had an in depth conversation with Evan's Kindergarden teacher about all that's been going on lately and she made this small comment, "it seems as if you are in the valley at the moment..".
How absolutely right she is..!
But, I do wonder what I really should do or appear like when I feel like I am in a valley..or my own personal deep pit when, naturally at the same time it seems as if everyone else is on top of the mountain ...AND enjoying the view!!
Remembering those times when I have been on top of the mountain..and thoroughly enjoyed it..gives me a fair amount of hope that I'll return at some point.
Soooooo....yes..I do feel like I've had a season in the valley. Thank God not the valley of the "shadow"...!! In fact, an ephiphany..perhaps I'm just half way up the mountain and don't realize it..! (This is a good reason to blog, by the way, it's a very therapeutic process..writing it down..pouring it out..and not really worrying if I bore you to death because you don't have to read it!!)
Soo...on to our little life....
Let's just say we've had an exremely hard time..well..with everything!! Replacing washing machines, dealing with this fiscal cliff loss in pay in the government, SNOW..Blizzards...more SNOW..which leads to no school but, the worst is being cut off from trying to help Evan with this transition. Like I said before, we've pretty much been isolated from the therapy we've been used to, due to our insurance deciding all the sudden they aren't going to cover it.
Honestly, it's not the therapy I really care so much about, it's the weeks of trying to fill Evan's day..but, finding nothing..nada..and just walking around with a deep sinking feeling like I've failed him. Also, it's a lonely world I live in. Half the time I feel like I'm walking around with a big letter "A" on me. I am the mom with the kiddo with the behavioral issues..and I don't quite fit into a ordinary playgroup of moms..and I am not real sure I can manage the excuse of "I'm sorry..he has just a touch of autism..even though he looks pretty normal to most people..social ques aren't as easy for him to read."
Do I have to admit to you how I have to shut off my brain on Sunday morning, when I hear the Pastor speak of his children, and try very hard not to say "Yes, but you have typical children..what would you do in my situation..?!!" (And we do love our church..it's our home..and place of healing for us..but, we are still in a category all in our own with this.)
Perhaps there will be a day when another mom needs some hope when they are branded with the big "A".
Please don't say I've not tried to fit my square peg self in a natural well rounded circle of moms. Over the past few years I have sat in a variety of moms groups and had to shut my sob story short because these poor women are trying to figure out their normal "typical" kiddos. Add me with all my other issues and they have no idea what to say..and it is sort of awkward (I'm sure I've even terrified some of the moms..!!), so I, in turn, try to be quiet and let the other moms talk about normal stuff. (I admit though, it's nice to hear what normal parents go through..and when I leave I realize how hard this road has been..and I'm not crazy! Well a little bit..!) My other friends with kiddos on the spectrum have different issues. We all feel a common connection, but it's so completely different as to what we go through and how we manage our kids. I am glad that I have those friends..they mean the world to me..if they could only know!!
Hey, there's much to be thankful for, still...no matter what. Both Olivia and Evan are growing and we can see things that are fantastic in them both. Evan the master of chaos..Olivia the organized. (This can't go well when they are teenagers..I just know it!!)
I know this is a long blog..so, I will leave you with my dose of hope from "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Perhaps in the hardest moments..we don't see that God is actually protecting us..covering us. I have sometimes seen myself all alone and left with shattered dreams..perhaps I should wonder if he's just got his hand over me..protecting me..something fantastic to hold on to..beautiful really!!
“When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back” (Exodus 33:22—23 NIV).”
“Is that it? When it gets dark, it’s only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? In the pitch, I feel like I’m falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent. In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by”
The post went something like, "why should I pretend to be happy when I don't feel it..wouldn't that just be a lie..?"
I don't know what other people's responses were..but the question still remains with me. (And don't worry, I won't even try to answer that question..not that I have a habit of giving out advice in the first place..!)
A couple of days ago, I had an in depth conversation with Evan's Kindergarden teacher about all that's been going on lately and she made this small comment, "it seems as if you are in the valley at the moment..".
How absolutely right she is..!
Only if you have been in the deepest valley,
can you ever know how magnificent it is to be
on the highest mountain.
~ Richard M. Nixon
But, I do wonder what I really should do or appear like when I feel like I am in a valley..or my own personal deep pit when, naturally at the same time it seems as if everyone else is on top of the mountain ...AND enjoying the view!!
Remembering those times when I have been on top of the mountain..and thoroughly enjoyed it..gives me a fair amount of hope that I'll return at some point.
Soooooo....yes..I do feel like I've had a season in the valley. Thank God not the valley of the "shadow"...!! In fact, an ephiphany..perhaps I'm just half way up the mountain and don't realize it..! (This is a good reason to blog, by the way, it's a very therapeutic process..writing it down..pouring it out..and not really worrying if I bore you to death because you don't have to read it!!)
Soo...on to our little life....
Let's just say we've had an exremely hard time..well..with everything!! Replacing washing machines, dealing with this fiscal cliff loss in pay in the government, SNOW..Blizzards...more SNOW..which leads to no school but, the worst is being cut off from trying to help Evan with this transition. Like I said before, we've pretty much been isolated from the therapy we've been used to, due to our insurance deciding all the sudden they aren't going to cover it.
Honestly, it's not the therapy I really care so much about, it's the weeks of trying to fill Evan's day..but, finding nothing..nada..and just walking around with a deep sinking feeling like I've failed him. Also, it's a lonely world I live in. Half the time I feel like I'm walking around with a big letter "A" on me. I am the mom with the kiddo with the behavioral issues..and I don't quite fit into a ordinary playgroup of moms..and I am not real sure I can manage the excuse of "I'm sorry..he has just a touch of autism..even though he looks pretty normal to most people..social ques aren't as easy for him to read."
Do I have to admit to you how I have to shut off my brain on Sunday morning, when I hear the Pastor speak of his children, and try very hard not to say "Yes, but you have typical children..what would you do in my situation..?!!" (And we do love our church..it's our home..and place of healing for us..but, we are still in a category all in our own with this.)
Perhaps there will be a day when another mom needs some hope when they are branded with the big "A".
Please don't say I've not tried to fit my square peg self in a natural well rounded circle of moms. Over the past few years I have sat in a variety of moms groups and had to shut my sob story short because these poor women are trying to figure out their normal "typical" kiddos. Add me with all my other issues and they have no idea what to say..and it is sort of awkward (I'm sure I've even terrified some of the moms..!!), so I, in turn, try to be quiet and let the other moms talk about normal stuff. (I admit though, it's nice to hear what normal parents go through..and when I leave I realize how hard this road has been..and I'm not crazy! Well a little bit..!) My other friends with kiddos on the spectrum have different issues. We all feel a common connection, but it's so completely different as to what we go through and how we manage our kids. I am glad that I have those friends..they mean the world to me..if they could only know!!
Hey, there's much to be thankful for, still...no matter what. Both Olivia and Evan are growing and we can see things that are fantastic in them both. Evan the master of chaos..Olivia the organized. (This can't go well when they are teenagers..I just know it!!)
I know this is a long blog..so, I will leave you with my dose of hope from "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Perhaps in the hardest moments..we don't see that God is actually protecting us..covering us. I have sometimes seen myself all alone and left with shattered dreams..perhaps I should wonder if he's just got his hand over me..protecting me..something fantastic to hold on to..beautiful really!!
“When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back” (Exodus 33:22—23 NIV).”
“Is that it? When it gets dark, it’s only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? In the pitch, I feel like I’m falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent. In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by”
Laura,
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that you endure what you endure on a daily basis. No one should put that A on you as they haven't walked a mile in your shoes and YOU cannot put it there either because you are doing everything in your power to do best by Evan! I KNOW this to be true as I clearly remember your concern for him, for finding out what is going on with him, to seeking answers/opinions in how to best help him in countless ways, and SO MUCH MORE! God only expects you to do what you can do and He will take care of the rest! Does that mean you won't face deep valleys? No, unfortunately not. But the good news is that regardless of how bad things get...God will never let you down or leave you alone or turn his back on you...so just keep doing your best and continue handing it all over to Him. Then before you know it, the mountaintop will appear and even though it will continue to be a ride of ups and downs...you should be confident that you WILL get the mountaintop moments too!
Awe..thanks, you!! I think I sound like a "drama queen"...lol!! But, hey,..if it resonates with someone else..I guess it's worth sharing..drama and all!! :)
DeleteNO, you are not being a drama queen...you honestly do face a lot with Evan's struggles and that is reality! You just need to get it all out when it's getting too much or frustrating or even just because something hysterical happens :). And never forget that you are not alone...from friends to family and above all else, God has your back! Give him a big hug for me please :)
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