Have you ever in your life felt as if you were emotionally starving..?!
This season always seems to linger and loom over me.
I usually mutter through it and withdraw..smile and just keep moving. It's a coping mechanism for me that if I get moving I won't think about it too often.
I don't ask for help because I feel like people are inadequate in their help. Often times I encounter people who genuinely want to be helpful..until they throw on a bumper sticker solution to the problem...!
All that being said, it is easy for me to pull away. I feel as if I could die if I had to ask for help. And it becomes a serious problem when I encounter a friend who has no problem asking for help.
And then..they do!
Then I put on my "lets do this quickly and pain-free"..but, no one just needs you once..right?!!
I'm laughing at myself at the moment, because I know it's probably exactly what I need..but, it begins stirring up some emotions within that I don't like to show. (or deal with)
I have become the master of what I let show and what I don't. And in that, I have tried to numb out the things that I don't know how to process.
And then life happens and we are taking a vacation back home. (I call it a "mercy mission")
A place where I have been breed with feelings of "unworthiness" and "not-belonging" and that just twists another element of emotions into the above and then..I'm starving before too long!
Have you ever read this poem "Not waving, but drowning" about a man who everyone thought was waving in the waves, having a great time..but, instead he was trying to get someone's attention because he was drowning.
The real irony is that it looks the same for this man. His waving and his drowning..so you are left to believe that it was really his own undoing!!
I think of this poem often whether I think of myself or others who are going through things that they don't know how to cope with.
And I know that it's ok to say hey "pray for me" because I'm treading waters that are deep, friends.
In fact, I NEED your prayers at the moment.
The reason I had to write this is because I read this this a.m...
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. 2 Cor.1:3-4
WE are each other's life raft..are we not?!!
And this helps me to stand here with all my baggage..vulnerable and completely feeling inadequate so I stand beside my friends when I can and I'll take that walk with them. I know now that I'm not able to carry it for them..or them carry it for me..but, we can rest in the fact that we don't have to have it figured out.
Asking for help will always be hard..but, letting you teach me vulnerability could end up being the one thing I've always needed.
Happy Memorial Day...and my first born's birthday is tomorrow..7 years old..!! He is super excited!!
Will happily write on this young man tomorrow!!
This season always seems to linger and loom over me.
I usually mutter through it and withdraw..smile and just keep moving. It's a coping mechanism for me that if I get moving I won't think about it too often.
I don't ask for help because I feel like people are inadequate in their help. Often times I encounter people who genuinely want to be helpful..until they throw on a bumper sticker solution to the problem...!
All that being said, it is easy for me to pull away. I feel as if I could die if I had to ask for help. And it becomes a serious problem when I encounter a friend who has no problem asking for help.
And then..they do!
Then I put on my "lets do this quickly and pain-free"..but, no one just needs you once..right?!!
I'm laughing at myself at the moment, because I know it's probably exactly what I need..but, it begins stirring up some emotions within that I don't like to show. (or deal with)
I have become the master of what I let show and what I don't. And in that, I have tried to numb out the things that I don't know how to process.
And then life happens and we are taking a vacation back home. (I call it a "mercy mission")
A place where I have been breed with feelings of "unworthiness" and "not-belonging" and that just twists another element of emotions into the above and then..I'm starving before too long!
Have you ever read this poem "Not waving, but drowning" about a man who everyone thought was waving in the waves, having a great time..but, instead he was trying to get someone's attention because he was drowning.
The real irony is that it looks the same for this man. His waving and his drowning..so you are left to believe that it was really his own undoing!!
I think of this poem often whether I think of myself or others who are going through things that they don't know how to cope with.
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
Stevie Smith
And I know that it's ok to say hey "pray for me" because I'm treading waters that are deep, friends.
In fact, I NEED your prayers at the moment.
The reason I had to write this is because I read this this a.m...
He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. 2 Cor.1:3-4
WE are each other's life raft..are we not?!!
And this helps me to stand here with all my baggage..vulnerable and completely feeling inadequate so I stand beside my friends when I can and I'll take that walk with them. I know now that I'm not able to carry it for them..or them carry it for me..but, we can rest in the fact that we don't have to have it figured out.
Asking for help will always be hard..but, letting you teach me vulnerability could end up being the one thing I've always needed.
Happy Memorial Day...and my first born's birthday is tomorrow..7 years old..!! He is super excited!!
Will happily write on this young man tomorrow!!
I know going home is not easy for you. Just try to remember where you are now and all you have accomplished. Look at Evan and Olivia. And know that Scott will be beside you all the way and God is always there, holding you up. I will be praying for you, my friend.
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