For risk of exposure..

This is for you sweet friends out there who are worried that I'll be labeled into a "Jesus Freak" for the rest of my life..or risk losing friends due to my faith...or gosh darn it embarrass myself with my real life mishaps an mistakes.
I'm happy to report that it's ok with me.
It's ok.
It's ok because I would rather know what side of the line people are on....

Maya Angelou couldn't have said it best..! There is a wisdom in letting other people feel and deal with their own emotions about me. 

It likely has nothing to do with me..but with them.

It doesn't change the hurt..but it minimizes being pulled towards a friendship that isn't really supposed to be.

Jesus can lead us into a beautiful relationship with all types of people...races..faiths..and live in unity. I can be friend's with all sorts of people and walk away without a care in the world, simply because "it ain't my job to save people."

If people have done their homework and have decided it's not for them..well, I am not going to change their minds.

However, if you want to know what it feels like to be loved..even when you refuse to give it to those who needed it from you..or when you are at your worst self..then, we can talk.

Or hash about religion vs. Christ following..there is a difference.

If you've ever thought to yourself that you are happy when someone (mostly your rivals or frenemies) falls short in any category..you've been "religion-ized". 

Most likely you feel the person deserves it based on their actions. 

I have felt that way, too..and it's not apart of Christ following.

That's what makes me unmistakably "broken"...and I can't fix myself. 

Though..I try with all my effort to not do that..not think that way...I seem to not be able to do the right  thing in all circumstances.

When I'm tired..I get angry faster, and take it out on my family and blame others when I should just calm down and realize I'm tired.

But, life circumstances will always change. We'll deal with tiredness in ourselves and our kids, we'll deal with loss, we'll deal with things we don't understand..I mean cancer or children diseases...really?! We'll suffer silently unless we talk to someone who can bring us hope..and when they don't (because of their own brokenness) or pride or inadequacies,  we look upon them and decide whether we believe in Christ or not.

We'll think some have obviously been loved more because of how great their life is and surely, we must be worthless to God. 

I most certainly am speaking about myself. 

That doesn't make any of those lies true...but the very core of my soul has believed these lies.

Truth..God doesn't seem to feel the same way about us that his followers do.

His love, like the way we love our kids when they do wrong, is never changing. 

I find that hard to accept at my worst. It's like someone walking into my presence when I've passed gas..it's like "run, people..save yourselves..!" :)

It's coming to grips with myself after having my son and wondering if this is something I did wrong..when no..this is simply God's plan...and yes, he still loves me the same and he is for me and not against me.

He is a just and loving God. Nothing about his goodness changes when my life falls apart. 

It's a whole other issue when you ask him to be fair.

Fair would have made him save Christ and not let him be shamed and left to die without a single person to believe in him. 

Fair would have destroyed the world from the get go..from not allowing evil to exist in the first place. But..that would mean we would'd have had our chance to choose. Should I not be allowed to decide to love Jesus..or try my best to because there is evil that lurks out there?! 

So hard to come to grips..and really I'm pretty sure I don't understand it beyond what I've tried..nor am I smart enough to explain it!! 

So..here's a book you might like written by an English Theologian, N.T. Wright "Surprised by Hope" or "The reason for God" by Timothy Keller.  (Because if I'm honest, I've questioned God's existence, too..so I don't condemn..I can't..and I'm married to a scientist..people..there's some deep questions my man has asked..Lord knows I can't answer!!) 

But, that's the rub..when some of the world believes we came here from nothing..Jesus died without a single person believing he was the Christ, yet his church grew like a wildfire. There is no denying it.

It is the only thing that has started from 0 followers to an unnamable amount all over the world.

I make that point because though his disciples loved him..they stopped believing that he was their Messiah after he was crucified. So..it seemed to start with a whole lot of nothing until they actually witnessed that he was alive...!

So..long story short..I'm going to be ok.

I'm going to be labeled and judged as a christian whether I like it or not.

I'll have to suffer and be put under the microscope when I behave like anything other..and it stinks..but I can't change it.

I write for the sole purpose of using all the weak stuff about me to bring strength to those around me.

For people to take a few minutes and realize that we are not ok most days. That we need to hear about doubt and pain and shame and that we can walk through it with a friend who knows and understands how that feels. 

To my sweet friends out there who need context..well..my life seems to always have lots of context..daily..!  :)

Happy Hump Day!!