good grief..

At a recent funeral, I had the strangest epiphany.  It was this overwhelming realization that I had already been grieving over the course of my entire life..yet, have never acknowledged it! If you were to ask me if grieving a loved one is more painful than grieving other things..my answer would be..yes..probably..but, I'm not sure. One man loses his dog and cries while another man who's never had an animal, thinks he's silly..but that minimizes his pain..does it not? How do you separate one person's pain from another person's pain?

Sitting at the funeral, I started to making a mental list.

Here's some of my things I've needed to grieve:

-loss of a loving childhood family
-loss of friendships
-lack of wisdom at certain parts of life
-deaths..I've been to a few funerals..and I've had to watch as distant friends suffer the loss of losing their children and spouses. I don't think that grief is my personal struggle as of yet..but, I know life is not guaranteed tomorrow..for anyone.
-loss of a dream over my child. This one has broken me over and over again. I'm still walking this out.
-loss of my importance. I've been telling myself for years that my opinion probably doesn't matter, or that I'm not as important to some. But, it's just not true at all..I'm finding..
-loss of my son from little boy to man. Yep..he is turning into a young man. My time of having a little boy is now over. He loves his Daddy..and tolerates his dear old Ma'..! All natural walks of life..but..it still a new season for me..and still kind of hard.
-and I'm the first to tell you I'm at a loss for how to parent properly. I'm still in the process of grieving all the ways I've done it wrong!
-the loss of stuff..Evan's lost red converse when he was 5..it still bothers me..where did it go?! And his Northface jacket that I got for $10..has never been found. (Does anyone else out there get strangely bothered by lost kids items. I might need therapy..its silly..but, I hate losing things!)
-the loss of strength in my body after an injury.
-the ongoing loss of youth. It is simply something we cannot change. Sad as it is.


I could keep going..but, these are just a few of the things that I've grieved over myself and over others..but..some I've been grieving for a long time..and now that I'm looking at these things..it's time to let them go.

It's been long overdue to release my death grip on them. Literally.

One question I have is, if you don't realize what your grieving..how can you deal with it?

It is only natural to stuff things down and pull ourselves up out of our bootstraps..keep going..but, for how long?
When will we find a quiet corner and cry over all these things that have just left us heartbroken?

At the funeral, it was undoubtedly sad and yet, strangely..I was at peace. After all, I had been crying the entire week before that day..at random times, but I let the tears come..freely. I welcomed every tear to flow because my friend deserved everyone of them over her loss. So, while sitting there, I was left with the odd sensation that because I let it go freely..I could be at peace. I had allowed myself to properly walk it through. And then..my list became more relevant. It's time to do the same with the other things.
I know it will take some time to walk through this, though..because I don't have as much control over my emotions and heart.
You don't either..b.t.w.
We weren't made to shut off and shut on like a light switch. It just means that you've got your own list to write.
And this is going to take time and trust.

Its time to cast these things (our fears, anxiety, sorrow and losses) out!  Throw it as hard as I can..swallow my pride of messing things up..royally, at times..take a deep breath..and throw..as hard as I can at a loving God.
Why?
Because of this..

1 Peter 5:7-7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

That's what we are supposed to do. We were never meant to carry this burden of life on our own shoulders. And it's hard to believe that God cares enough for us to believe he'll be of any comfort..I understand. Even still..casting all these things onto family or friends (unless they are trained counselors) is hard..when family and friends have their own list of sorrows. That is why we have a loving father who is nearer than we'll ever believe..because he cares. 

Jesus is confronted by a grieving Mary over the death of Lazarus and is moved to tears out of compassion. He just happens to be there to catch her sorrow and tears. 

Luke 7:1313 When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.”

He cares..just remember that he's right there with you..but you have to cast it out..take a leap of faith if you will and let go. 

And then trust that he will tenderly take care of you.

Psalm 56:8 

8 

You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]

    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

    You have recorded each one in your book.

And then this..

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”

― C. JoyBell C.

And then there's the other question..can there be another way in which our grief is part of what makes us stronger..brings us to our creator..and despite the pain..can be turned into something good..? 

I believe so..but, that's just because I've looked back over my life and realized that in my hardest moments..when I've felt like I'd been abandoned by God..I can clearly see he was there..carrying me through..and taking care of all the details..and I didn't even realize it until after....!  

But..that's just me..! ;)

Happy Tuesday folks..and if this speaks to you..let me know. I'd love to know if you are encouraged by this or if this is something God is speaking to you, as well.