This morning, really out of nowhere, I am overwhelmed with just two verses from a song..
A christian song, called "Yahweh"
...every fight in our minds,
every victory dance, you've always been there..
Perhaps this will be totally irrelevant to you, and mean nothing. I can't really say I am a girl full of wise words..because I am not. Mostly, I am full of questions without answers, and most of the time..myself!!
But, I had to stop and pause when those two verses caught me. And Two thoughts occurred.
First, I have had so many battles in my mind about so many different things..perhaps you know the most obvious one is over my son and just the past few years of dealing with his autism.
The second, is more of a question.
Have I been practicing my victory dance?
What a profound question, because the answer is no. No, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and been sappy and had thrown myself many pity parties, but I have not practiced my victory dance.
As if I did not expect God to move or something or act as if this season would never end.
And here I am looking at my son and I am so amazed at how far he's come. It's pretty awesome..!
My point, though, is not is not about him being autistic. It is that seasons do not last forever..although they seem like it at times.
In the moment we get so overwhelmed with grief and agony, and in everything we look around and feel as if life is not fair. And it's tiresome seeing people so happy and looking at their children who are just so typical. I would always get so mad that I didn't even know how to Gauge my first child to anything, because I had no previous experience or children to notice those small differences in him. It always felt so unfair to watch the crowd seem to go ahead of me and I would kind of fall behind. Waving as they passed..and saddened that most people didn't seem to even notice..or have much compassion. And I am forever grateful for those who did, and threw me a lifeline...a small hope, and prayer. Hope. It was hard for me to see it.
So now I am overwhelmed because I should have been practicing my victory dance.
I should have trusted that God is a good God. In the waiting, my faith fell and my heart was heavy. I didn't want to wait..but I should have been thinking about how I would celebrate at the right time.
Truthfully, if you put time and effort and prayer over prayer into your kids..or anything..you WILL see results. There WILL be a time to celebrate. Even though right now your heart is overwhelmed and heavy..it will come.
It isn't in the form that I thought it would come. I never imagined that all of my chidren's friend's would be from therapy appointments. That all my close friend's would be from sitting in the waiting room with these kids parents. Yes, Olivia's few friend's are from hanging out with the siblings of some of these kiddos..and playing with Evan's friend's on occasion.
But I'll take it. A thousand times I'll take it. I will celebrate this. I will dance. I will look pretty stupid to you..but see you have to understand where I have come from..and where I am going.
I don't know what your battle is. I don't know if I understand it, or can get a feeling of how deep the wounds go. I can't tell you how long you will have to wait until you see results. I can't tell you that you won't have more to suffer before you do. I wish I could.
But, i can tell you it WILL come. Practice your dancing in the meantime..and how you will celebrate when you see results.
And know this. If you have a child on the spectrum, I am praying for you on their behalf. I am
not leaving you to feel all alone like I felt, or that you have no hope.
I should've been practicing my dance. But I hope that you will...!!
A christian song, called "Yahweh"
...every fight in our minds,
every victory dance, you've always been there..
Perhaps this will be totally irrelevant to you, and mean nothing. I can't really say I am a girl full of wise words..because I am not. Mostly, I am full of questions without answers, and most of the time..myself!!
But, I had to stop and pause when those two verses caught me. And Two thoughts occurred.
First, I have had so many battles in my mind about so many different things..perhaps you know the most obvious one is over my son and just the past few years of dealing with his autism.
The second, is more of a question.
Have I been practicing my victory dance?
What a profound question, because the answer is no. No, I have prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and been sappy and had thrown myself many pity parties, but I have not practiced my victory dance.
As if I did not expect God to move or something or act as if this season would never end.
And here I am looking at my son and I am so amazed at how far he's come. It's pretty awesome..!
My point, though, is not is not about him being autistic. It is that seasons do not last forever..although they seem like it at times.
In the moment we get so overwhelmed with grief and agony, and in everything we look around and feel as if life is not fair. And it's tiresome seeing people so happy and looking at their children who are just so typical. I would always get so mad that I didn't even know how to Gauge my first child to anything, because I had no previous experience or children to notice those small differences in him. It always felt so unfair to watch the crowd seem to go ahead of me and I would kind of fall behind. Waving as they passed..and saddened that most people didn't seem to even notice..or have much compassion. And I am forever grateful for those who did, and threw me a lifeline...a small hope, and prayer. Hope. It was hard for me to see it.
So now I am overwhelmed because I should have been practicing my victory dance.
I should have trusted that God is a good God. In the waiting, my faith fell and my heart was heavy. I didn't want to wait..but I should have been thinking about how I would celebrate at the right time.
Truthfully, if you put time and effort and prayer over prayer into your kids..or anything..you WILL see results. There WILL be a time to celebrate. Even though right now your heart is overwhelmed and heavy..it will come.
It isn't in the form that I thought it would come. I never imagined that all of my chidren's friend's would be from therapy appointments. That all my close friend's would be from sitting in the waiting room with these kids parents. Yes, Olivia's few friend's are from hanging out with the siblings of some of these kiddos..and playing with Evan's friend's on occasion.
But I'll take it. A thousand times I'll take it. I will celebrate this. I will dance. I will look pretty stupid to you..but see you have to understand where I have come from..and where I am going.
I don't know what your battle is. I don't know if I understand it, or can get a feeling of how deep the wounds go. I can't tell you how long you will have to wait until you see results. I can't tell you that you won't have more to suffer before you do. I wish I could.
But, i can tell you it WILL come. Practice your dancing in the meantime..and how you will celebrate when you see results.
And know this. If you have a child on the spectrum, I am praying for you on their behalf. I am
not leaving you to feel all alone like I felt, or that you have no hope.
I should've been practicing my dance. But I hope that you will...!!
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