It is utterly amazing to me just how much my thoughts seem to betray me..almost ridiculous at times.
So, I have to come to the conclusion that they (my thoughts) cannot be trusted. I don't even go there with hormones..that is a blog all in it's own...!!
"you're crazy"..."you're a horrible mother"..."you'll never be worth it.." are just an incredibly small few that go through my head.
And, they can range from a few to many in a day.
But, lately since I've been sick for almost a month now, first with strep, then with sinus infection, and having no gym time to wear these thoughts out and combined with a shoulder injury that seems to be permanent...my thoughts have overwhelmed me.
And, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of failures.
Do I have to add that I don't have time to think like this. I have two children to raise..one infant and one little guy who needs me to be his schedule keeper for his sake and for the sake of all of us in this family, so he can function and have a great day.
And, I am a wife of a husband who is incredible..yes, I said it...incredible! I don't ever gloat...but, truth be told, it's always been him and I against everything else...doing it with God's grace alone...no family, sometimes without the support of friends, in different places, and finding a way to make it back to each other...however hard it is.
So, I have to find a way to master these thoughts..otherwise, I'm in trouble for the day..and rest assured, they're (my thoughts, of course not me...) taking Scott down with me!!
So, I spend time in prayer and start seeking what God thinks about me..and my conversation with him might look something like this:
"God, this person thinks I'm a complete idiot...surely, you don't really believe that about me...surely, you don't want me to think that about myself..?!"
and I wait till another thought comes to mind...
"God, you really didn't give me these children, did you, if you didn't think I was capable of raising them...?!"
"God, I might be a little crazy...but, I've never met anyone legally sane..?!!
And no, I don't hear God's voice...so don't even go there with that thought. But, I do feel his overwhelming love for me at the times when I'm feeling more or less like this life is too much for me to take at times.
And, I've got tons of scripture to turn to...tons of it that tells me he has carefully planned our lives..numbered our days..and knows just how many hairs on our head. And, that the maker of heavens and earth has a plan and that my life is not just left to "chance" or to "circumstance"..that's there is something far more incredible out there, that I would like to grasp onto...something that I cannot explain...something that I feel.
So, when my thoughts start to betray me...I must believe there is more to this life...
..because I don't trust that my thoughts have a clue...
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